tragidy

When something tragic happens in your life it changes everything.  

You spend  your whole life, every moment of your day trying not to remember, trying not to relive those horrifying minutes that changed your life. 

You begin to realize that your life was simple, joyous uncomplicated before the tragedy.  

That moment when your life became split ... before the event ... after the event.

From that moment on it became a survival of your mental health and well being.

At first your mind won't stop replaying it over and over.  It hurts so bad that you can feel the pain in your stomach, back and most definitely your heart.  Often sure that there is something wrong, heart attack, ulcer, but it's only the unbearable hurt of your loss.

Then you slowly realize that you are stuck here and have no choice but to deal with what is left.  In order to survive and live again you  have to train your brain to stop replaying the event in your mind.  In the beginning it's hard because it will just creep in unexpectedly, surrounded by other people that are living their life carefree and your emotions sometimes get the best of you.  They don't understand what is going on with you.  Some of them try, others don't and then eventually they want you to just get over it.

So, you begin to develop the skill of pushing those thoughts and "the" scene back, back, back far into your brain.  Where it can't resurface at just any time.  It's still there but you become really good at keeping it there.  

If you allow it though "it" will come back with a vengeance and those feelings of sickness will hit you.  

Determined to survive you continue to push that moment in my life back so that I can enjoy the life you are left with.  

This is my life and there are so many reasons I am grateful for what I have now regardless of that tragedy.  I won't allow myself to feel guilty that I can still find some joy in my life even without my son. The memories we had together before he was gone are what I will continue to allow myself to replay but that tragic moment will have to lay still.   But it continues to be a mental struggle everyday.  A struggle that only I know exists regardless of how long it has been.