First Signs of Spring

First signs of Spring

Our science lesson today took us outside on a scavenger hunt looking for our local bird food source.  Wandering around in our school yard I noticed many signs that spring was emerging.  
Buds were popping out on the trees.  A few wiggly worms along with a few small plants could be found under the damp matted down piles of leaves.  Patches of bright green moss was growing on rotten logs in the woods.  Daffodils were peeking out of the ground just waiting for a sunny day to blossom.  Black capped chickadees were singing their tune while rapidly flitting from tree to tree unable to stay in one spot.  A bright red cardinal perched high in a tree and a woodpecker rat-a-tat-tat on the trunk.  
So many signs that spring is lurking just waiting to surprise everyone.  

The Tree

Time doesn't stand still but sometimes it feels as if it might. Some events you will look back and think fondly of them.  Some events you will try hard to not look back because they are not easy to think about.  
One of those days I try hard not to let my mind wander back to is the day of my son's funeral.   It was a dark day even though the weather tried to tell a different tale.  The sun was especially warm for a mid September day and the sunset was brilliant with purple, pinks, oranges painting the sky with vibrant colors.  
At that time in my life that Trent left us here on Earth stood still as we suffered an unthinkable loss in agony I have felt that time did stand still.  I mean how can life really go on without my son?  How can others go on with their lives?  His friends continued to go to school without him,   Family gathered on holidays without him.  All while I stood still unable to go on.  
I must have figured out how to go on.  I know this because in our front yard of our farm is a scarlet red maple tree.  It was planted the day of Trent's funeral.  They asked where I wanted it but I didn't care, I didn't tell them that, it was a nice gesture just too difficult to think about.  
That scarlet maple tree has thrived over the years of agonizing loss.  It now towers about 15 to 20 foot tall.  In the summer the dogs lay under the shade of the tree and in the fall the colors are a brilliant red color.  
So although it may seem as if time can stand still... it doesn't ... it can't.  Life does go on even when you don't want it to but good can happen it just may take some time.  Be patient. 

Commute Ride

Over the last 20 something years of commuting back and forth to school has evolved.  It is only about eight miles but a lot can happen during that short ride.  When my kids were young it was the stress of locating and loading all their outdoor gear to prepare for recess,  making sure they had their homework, instruments, etc.  Then there were the times that I got half way to school and one of them forgot something and I would have to turn around.  Already stressed thinking about what I had to do for the day adding drive time to my morning was not in the plans.  I may have have slammed on the brakes hard constricting them a tad bit with the seat belt.  Sadly, I can't remember too many heartfelt conversations because I was too absorbed in the stress of work.  
The next phase was when my kids weren't in school and it was just me.  My morning consisted of getting myself ready.  Drinking a cup of coffee and watching the morning news before heading into school.  Cranking my favorite radio station up absorbed in my own head.  
Now, the last phase is picking up my grand kids every morning and then bringing them home.    Now it's my daughter who wears the stress of the morning routine on her face when I pick them up.  The conversations I have with them are always entertaining.
My 5 year old granddaughter, Clair, told me one morning that her mother just doesn't understand her! This was after she was slowly trying to chose the perfect shoes to match her outfit. 
This morning Clair was insistent that the full bright moon in the sky was the sun until I pointed out the sun on the other side. She just couldn't understand how you could see the moon and sun in the same sky.  The moon is supposed to go to bed so the sun could come up.  She was so surprised that the moon was following us to school.  The chatter of small voices reminds me to slow down and enjoy the little moments.  I have plenty of time to stew about the worries of the day.  

The Season of the Harvest

The Season  of the Harvest

Written By: Kris Shrontz

‘Twas the season of the harvest, 

When all through the fields, 

All the farmers were praying for extremely high yields.

The corn cobs were hanging by the stalk with care,

In hopes that the combine soon would be there.

The farmers were all standing around the combines of red,

While visions of long hours danced in their heads.

And Mamma in her carhart and I in my hat,

Had just settled in to get the long season down pat.

When out on the combine there arose such a clatter,

I sprang off the seat to see what was the matter.

Down the ladder I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shields to only find such a gash.

The sun on the crest of the new fallen day,

Gave up the last hope of any good pay.

While my eyes gazed at broken parts with fear,

I could only be grateful it wasn’t a John Deere.

With a crazy driver so lively and quick,

I should have known the corn would not be picked.

More rapid than eagles his bill collectors they came,

And he yelled and shouted and called them all by name:

Out International! Out Becks! Out Ford and Pioneer!

No combine, no corn so no money for John Deere!

Step off of my land before I have to give my wife a call,

Now get out of here!  Get out of here! Get out of here y’all!

As the corn did dry, the mechanic did fly,

I fear the dark snow clouds might appear in the sky.

So, I jumped in the pickup and down the road I flew,

With a box full of knives and guards I had no clue. 

And then in a twinkling my Chevy was back,

 I could only hope my parts were not in lack.

As I drew in my breath and was looking around,

My wife yelled, the new pulley is found.

So, to work I did go with cries of OH NO! And OH GEEZ!

As my carharts were tarnished with dirt and grease.

A bundle of worries I fling off my back,

I looked at the corn with no doubts of lack.

My eyes how the sparkled! My step was so light!

A smile began to spread across my face with delight!

I ran up the ladder and into the cab,

Lowered the head so as not  to leave even a dab.

With a whistle and a nod of my head,

Soon all our bills will be paid with dread.

The steering wheel I did grip tight in my hand,

While the combine did hum as I moved across the land.

Cobs did move through the auger with ease,

As his yellow corn kernels filled the bin to please.

I spoke few words as my combine went to work,

Filling all wagons, then turned with a jerk.

As I looked across the field only corn fodder was in a cluster,

My radio began to  blare the country song, “International Harvester”

While the tractor and grain cart in tow drove out of sight,

I heard my wife exclaim, “Our corn harvest is finally done tonight!” 

tragidy

When something tragic happens in your life it changes everything.  

You spend  your whole life, every moment of your day trying not to remember, trying not to relive those horrifying minutes that changed your life. 

You begin to realize that your life was simple, joyous uncomplicated before the tragedy.  

That moment when your life became split ... before the event ... after the event.

From that moment on it became a survival of your mental health and well being.

At first your mind won't stop replaying it over and over.  It hurts so bad that you can feel the pain in your stomach, back and most definitely your heart.  Often sure that there is something wrong, heart attack, ulcer, but it's only the unbearable hurt of your loss.

Then you slowly realize that you are stuck here and have no choice but to deal with what is left.  In order to survive and live again you  have to train your brain to stop replaying the event in your mind.  In the beginning it's hard because it will just creep in unexpectedly, surrounded by other people that are living their life carefree and your emotions sometimes get the best of you.  They don't understand what is going on with you.  Some of them try, others don't and then eventually they want you to just get over it.

So, you begin to develop the skill of pushing those thoughts and "the" scene back, back, back far into your brain.  Where it can't resurface at just any time.  It's still there but you become really good at keeping it there.  

If you allow it though "it" will come back with a vengeance and those feelings of sickness will hit you.  

Determined to survive you continue to push that moment in my life back so that I can enjoy the life you are left with.  

This is my life and there are so many reasons I am grateful for what I have now regardless of that tragedy.  I won't allow myself to feel guilty that I can still find some joy in my life even without my son. The memories we had together before he was gone are what I will continue to allow myself to replay but that tragic moment will have to lay still.   But it continues to be a mental struggle everyday.  A struggle that only I know exists regardless of how long it has been.  

Spiritual Signs

Signs from the spiritual world are all around us.  We often though are not in tune enough to notice.  These signs are often encouragement from someone special trying to guide you in life here on Earth as you search for answers to questions.  Questions that may or may not have any answers at least for now.  
Every day I search.  I know it's an endless search at least during my lifetime. Someday I will have answers.  Meanwhile I am trying to accept and look for signs to guide me through this journey.

Looking outside my living room window while contemplating some major life decisions I catch a glimpse of two colorful birds.  One a blue jay that flaps it's wings landing skillfully on a branch for a moment. The other a crimson red cardinal that gracefully lands on a branch perching there. 

Cardinals are known to be a sign from the heaven.  Cardinal has the Latin meaning of hinge.  Like found on gates or doors.  A gateway from Earth to the spiritual world carrying a special message. 
Blue Jays are bright blue bold birds that have very few friends often flying in squawking at any other intruders that might want to hone in on their territory.  Also, known to carry spiritual messages of clarity and strength. 

For now I don't have answers but I have signs which for now will give me the strength to step forward.  Paying close attention to spiritual signs. 

Even Farmers Read

Today I sat on the couch reading a professional book and as I glanced over my book at my husband sitting in his big overstuffed chair.  He was intently reading his thick manual for his new planter that he just purchased for the farm.  On the footstool sat his pesticide/herbicide applicator manual he was also reading as he preps for the test that he will be taking in order to purchase and apply restricted sprays which are necessary to control the bugs and weeds that try to eat our profit every year.  I said, "Hey, I should take a picture of this so that when someone gets the idea that farmers just drive tractors and don't need to read I can prove otherwise."

Then I began to reflect to a time long ago to when my son was growing up and he hated to read.  He balked at doing his required reading at home. In first grade our reading specialist, God bless her soul, would drag him down to her office every morning before school started to work with him one on one.  She used what I called "tough love" telling him that his fits weren't going to work so you might as well get up and get it over with.  Sharon made some gains with Trent but it was agonizing.
As he got grew older his love for reading did not grow.  His teachers tried every angle: coercion, enthusiasm,  you name it.  None of it worked.  I bought every book that even remotely connected to farming, construction, equipment, and trucks.  He liked them but it wasn't enough to light the passion and it certainly didn't address the problem of chapter book requirements.  I tried taking him to the book store to engage his interest in a chapter book series but to no avail.
In middle school he was assigned chapter books.  He thought he was clever when he would read the beginning chapter, a middle chapter and the end chapter to do the required writing assignment.  Then he discovered a miracle to his dilemma, Cliff Notes. He read those and was able to get by in class.
Meanwhile he read.  He read video game cheat code books, mechanic magazines, farming magazines, ATV manuals, hunter safety test manual, equipment diagrams, etc.  Everything that didn't count but that counted for a lot as far as he was concerned.

My husband figuring out what the new planter can do!  With the new technology it takes a little programing to get it set up for planting