What's happened? We used to have a lot of good times before the accident. I thought the good times would never end and that we would always be friends. It seemed as if my life was perfect, enjoying those carefree moments.
After the accident you were there for a while but you soon began to slowly fade away. Not calling, making other plans, finding different people to be with. You would invite us over occasionally with your new friends but that soon stopped.
When the funeral was over some of you just avoided us all together, looking away when we were around, or trying to have a conversation with us but not know what to say causing you some discomfort.
Did you know that being able to talk about the accident was the only way to deal with the shock of what had happened? Did you know that when you talked about your children that it was a stab to the heart? Did you know that so many things would trigger a memory or a thought of him? Did you know that we had flashbacks of the night we found him that made us want to be sick and it took every ounce of energy to push those visions out of our mind?
For so long the grief made us physically sick.
I am sure it got old and annoying to hear about him all the time but it was extremely hard to be without him. To many we probably appeared to have lost our minds and for a while I really thought we had. Those of you who tried to give us advice on how to deal with the grief I am sorry but you really had no clue about our hell that we were going through. All we needed was some friends to listen. You could have never completely understood and we would have never wanted you to.
I realize that I was no longer the same and that I was not the fun loving person but I needed time. Time to heal my broken heart. Time to deal with the shock. Time to understand why. Time to start my life over without him. Time to learn to care. Time to want to live.
So, I guess I am wondering why you couldn't stick with us through thick or think? I've learned to accept that some of you, I will never again have a relationship with and others will only be acquaintances. A few of you lasted the storm and I am thankful for that.
Still, though I feel betrayed at times that more of my old friends are long gone and it will never be the same again but then again I will never be the same again. So, I guess I don't blame you and since then I have learned to just accept the way things are knowing that there may never be answers.
Sincerely,
The New Me
I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I hope that writing today was helpful at some level, even though many of those people you addressed will never read your words. Know that there are people who don't even know you that are hurting for you and for the pain that must accompany you daily. I pray you find a circle of friends that will encourage you to share, rather than smother, your memories and feelings.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for what you have gone through. I hope that writing today was helpful at some level, even though many of those people you addressed will never read your words. Know that there are people who don't even know you that are hurting for you and for the pain that must accompany you daily. I pray you find a circle of friends that will encourage you to share, rather than smother, your memories and feelings.
ReplyDeleteI think this is something that people do not understand about loss. My sister went through the same after we lost my niece. This was a brave one to write - straight from the heart.
ReplyDeleteNo one can ever understand another person's grief. Those that can see past the changes and moments of "crazy" knowing there will be another time in the future when things will rebuild are the people we can be most thankful for. It's hard to be the one who needs this kind of understanding and patience. It's not something we can really ask for, people just need to step up, listen, wait, and be there when the dust settles knowing it will be kicked up again and again. I admire your courage here. As Robin said, this was straight from your heart.
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